3

Another not so productive day, don’t know why I even bother saying that, it’s a given, and I spent much of the time worreting over my Ford Laser as Daniel tried to fix it with Fiona’s help, but it finally proved too much for him, but he at least got it to a driveable level so that I can drive it to a proper repair place and spit the dummy is that the saying, it’s something to do with the exhaust and compression, it seems not to be something dreadfully serious, but so far I’ve paid $50 to Daniel for trying to fix it, and $89 to the RAA for a new battery and my money situation is getting grimmer, but I did manage to get to Centrelink via the car today, to put in a preliminary claim, so money from a couple of sources is on its way. And now to talk about sex, which will never happen for me again, but the thing is apparently not to think about it, not to fantasise, not to think of others that way, there are people of different religious sects, Christians, Buddhists and no doubt many others who practise celibacy and I’ve always been scathing about them, you know of all the sexual perversions chastity is the most unnatural, and still I’m not that interested but what this chappie had to say on the radio was thought provoking, he was a Franciscan or maybe a Dominican, some order that included males and females, all celibate, and he spoke of it as never easy but a discipline worth pursuing because it helps you rid yourself of the two great distortions of others that desire and lust drive you to, idolisation (the other as god) and appetite (the other as piece of meat to be devoured – apparently this comes from Tommy Aquinas). This frees you, apparently, to enjoy them (or not) in their actually reality, unfetishised and therefore undistorted. You can appreciate at its true worth their humanity, their humour, their skill, their generosity, even their beauty. I’m borrowing the glowing language of this religious chappie, and of course it wasn’t he but me who added (or not). You can see where these ideas hit the brick wall of limitations, and yet it’s probably true, no it’s definitely true that some who manage to suppress or abandon the sex drive achieve something powerful, it’s like a skill this religious chappie says, it can take you places people rarely get to, places in the mind, and I believe that, and I also know I’ll never get there, but this kind of discipline can bring about an extraordinary focus, it’s been measured by scientists in the brains of Buddhist monks, an ability not to be distracted, as I am by blue blue eyes and flashing smiles and a tilting head and yes of course legs and bums and boobies, but what the applications are for this undistractable human power I don’t know, except to halt the breeding process, which doesn’t sound like much fun.